I coulda been a contender

It’s Friday night and I’m sat alone in my house. Our lass is at her sisters trying on make-up. Not just any old make-up, but make-up for our upcoming wedding. A wedding that will be taking place in less than ???? weeks.

It’s not like we’ve met at the airport and I’ve paid her Mam enough money to feed the family rice for a lifetime, she’s not from Bolton. We’ve been together 11 years, and we’ve got a couple of sprogs into the bargain. Despite this I’m fucking shitting myself and I don’t mind telling you that I’m losing sleep over it.

All kinds of shit is floating through my brain. I keep waking up in the morning mid-dream/argument with people I’ve fallen out with in the past, or people I’m expecting to have disagreements with in the future. It’s supposed to be the happiest time in my life, but I’m struggling to see when the ‘happiest’ bit is going to kick in. I’m failing to see the sense of humour in any of it and quite frankly I’m getting disinterested in the whole gig.

If it aint broke don’t fix it, but I’m involved in fixing something that’s not even got superficial bruising.

In the midst of all this confusion and indefinable paranoia I’m sat here watching Later with Jools Holland, and it’s not helping. I’m sat here watching the young new things and the old were things and thinking to myself, I could have been a contender! That could be me in Jools studio giving it rock all, instead of sitting here bricking it.

Whenever I watch Jools my mind automatically drifts towards memories of New Years Eve or Summer festivals. Invariably my thoughts lean toward pop stardom and the conveyor belt of drugs and nubile women that should have adorned my black satin bed linen. Alas no more, and here I am alone with my worries and my doubts.

So Jools if you’re reading this, leave a comment on my blog to help soothe my troubled mind. Something along the lines of:

“Dirrrrtyoldman you’re doing the right thing. Your Polly is a top lass and you’d be daft to pass up the opportunity to shack yourself up with a top bird like her”

Otherwise get me a slot on your show and let me prove to everyone that I could have been a contender.