First Published in the Mudhutter Football Express Fanzine February 2008
Happy New Year readers, I hope you had a good one, I wish you all the best, out with the old in with the new, look to the future, peace prosperity and happiness. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and every other tired cliché known to man.
26th December 2007 21:00
I should have been at work this evening but the cold has laid me low so I’m in the prone position on the couch. Feeling a bit peckish I ask our lass to knock me up some cheese and crackers to fill the gap left by a long day being sick as a parrot.
Now there’s several things that immediately get the alarm bells ringing. Firstly no spread on the fucking crackers, nothing, bone fucking dry.
"You always have ‘em like that"
"No I fucking don’t you lazy cow, get back in the kitchen and get it sorted or the weddings off"
So back they come fresh with a spread, Country Life butter. But what’s this before my eyes? Roulé cheese. Dirty, dirty French muck and she’s bought it from the European Market that visited Wigan just before Christmas, and that is supposed to somehow normalise this most distasteful experience.
Just as things couldn’t get any worse I clock the fact it’s those fucking stupid crackers with bits in and in all kinds of stupid fucking shapes. Crackers = Jacobs, simple as, no fucking fancy shit for me thanks. Oh and if you don’t mind I like the air bubbles in Jacobs that pop and crunch when I bite into the bastard. So when you do get me my Jacobs crackers make sure you don’t butter them on the wrong side and burst my fucking bubbles.
Finally though, the ultimate insult.
I love my pickles but I don’t want to choke to death on one. So why the fuck do you bring me my crackers topped off with a big pickle sliced into two???
It should always be two silver skin pickles cut into two (4 halves) and placed with equal spacing on top of my cracker. The fucking European Union eh? Bastards are even messing with my Cheese and Cracker Etiquette.
27th December 2007 16:30
Well I’ve just come back from the annual family ‘Christmas’ day out. I should be back in work but I’ve binned it for another day for the highlight of the social calendar. Fuck ‘em, it’s the time of the year for Britishness. And what could be more British than throwing a sickie. Especially as I’m a Public Sector worker.
Had a lovely day out today. Firstly the Uncle-in Law decides that it’s his turn to pick the location and then takes us through every back water to get there. It’s not even scenic.
This year he decided we would go to Formby Sands to see Antony Gormley's "Another Place", the statues looking out to sea. The same lad who did the “Angel of the North”. It’s Another Place alright, because this surely can’t be mainland Britain? The beach was fucking littered with empty bottles, used durex, etc. A fucking disgrace. The Scousers are living up to their self appointed title as “Every Scouser is a comedian la” as they’ve put Santa’s hats and beards on the statues.
To top it off we got back to the car park and the sister-in-laws car had been done. Luckily there was fuck all worth robbing as the boot was empty. Even the local AA man who turns up to repair the window tells us how he would never leave his family car parked here.
Still doesn’t stop me smiling gently at an American family who parks up as we’re leaving. Well, the fucking Yanks deserve it don’t they.
29th December 2007 14:00
Well Christmas just wouldn’t be Christmas if we didn’t waste a whole day in IKEA. The meatballs and sauce in the restaurant are alright though, and the refills of coffee just about balance things out. Nice drop of strawberry cheesecake too.
Can there possibly be a bigger collection of non-descript, follow-my-leader bunch of people than the crowd that visit Sweden’s biggest export?
It’s took us nearly an hour to get here. An hour to get all the way to Warrington. I never realised Warrington was so far. Maybe that’s why our fat friends don’t travel too well. I’m sure Warrington is quicker to get to normally! Must be the Christmas holidays AGAIN! Where do all these people come from? Do they import them? Is this the influx of Eastern Europeans that we keep hearing about?
It’s like when you do your Christmas shop. The shops are only shut for a day or two so why can’t I get a fucking loaf? Do they know something I don’t?
We leave with our usual purchase, two packs of tea lights.
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