(Well a Weekend Day in the Life of Swinley Resident Dominic Oldman)
Swinley (WN1) is lovingly described around the Mudhuts Towers as “The Bohemian Quarter” of Wigan. The idea for this appraisal has been hanging around for quite some time now, but in large its materialization is in response to the over elaborate musings about all things WN5 in the Christmas edition of The Mudhutter.
Like people outside of WN1, I too remember what it was like to be destitute, smelly,
unskilled and unemployable. Thankfully my life has taken an upturn in fortunes and here I am in Swinley, the Golden Belt district of Wigan, right on Yah?
Such a journey from the doldrums of a working class upbringing in Earlestown to middle class utopia was not just about sacrificing my Socialist/Marxist beliefs. As our illustrious ex right of the middle PM Tony Blair stated when he drew up his vision of a better Britain, “Education, education, education”, and this I did. Unfortunately the scruffs of WN5 thought he said “Eggs and Bacon, Eggs and Bacon, Eggs and Bacon”, and hence they are all clinically obese with high cholesterol and an average mortality of 42. Not to worry though as this article is not for them anyway. So without further ado here is a diary of a typical day at the weekend in the life of me, Dominic Oldman, and my precious family. Think of it as a little bit of a target to aim toward. In the zone Yah?
7am- Get up with my beautiful wife Brigitte, and our adorable children, Tarquin and Honeysuckle. Before “breckie” we all make our way out to our modest three acre garden to partake in the morning ritual of Tai Chi. Our 16 year old daughter, Honeysuckle, loves to bend and stretch her taut body, she really has become one of the more popular girls at School. Mr Whittle, her sports teacher, is a particular fan and always raves on about her gymnastic prowess and suppleness at our regular dinner parties. Spiffing!
9am- Breakfast. We do not believe in eating mass produced food, so we buy organic products from local traders. People say that it is more expensive than the supermarkets, but gosh, we only get one Earth to live on, Yah? You just cannot put a figure on doing the right thing and I am quite sure even the poor could manage to go organic if they would stop boozing, smoking and gambling their minimum wages away. I have even considered getting our own allotment so I can get back to basics. Earthy Yah! Croissants or wholemeal pancakes with maple syrup and a cup of decaffeinated coffee are always the starters for Brigitte and moiré; Honey and Tarquin have purified water and blueberry muffins. This is followed by a fruit salad of WN1 grown strawberries, melon, grapefruit, kiwi fruit, orange, lemon and lime. The sun always shines in Swinley. Toppo!
11am- After relaxing in our natural hot water springs pool we all trot off down to the Wigan Lourdes Charity Shop on Wigan Lane in Swinley to spend some time helping out behind the counter. It is a tight squeeze fitting all four of us behind there, but as I tell Honey and Tarquin, it was a much tighter squeeze that Moses had fitting all those animals two by two onto the Ark. Besides it is only right that we give a little something back to the world and in particular the poor people of Wigan. Normally we take a bag of our month old clothes to give away in-case there is a day trip of in-bred quadrupeds from Norley Hall. It breaks my brittle heart! High expressed emotion indeed!
12:30am- Lunchtime. We just love to go to the Brocket Arms at the weekend. In the summertime you can see us all sat outside in our ¾ length pants, open toed sandals, peach t-shirts and trendy haircuts. It is great to bask in the glory of our success and quite often you will hear one of us shocking the others with the precise details of how much in value the price of our house has gone up. Equity!
3pm- When they are playing at home we go and lend our support to the Wigan Rugby Union Club. The whole family love Rugger, especially Tarquin and I. Tarquers is a whiz down the wing for the under 15’s team at the Bolton School. If kick-off clashes with Honeys ballet and she cannot attend then Brigitte drives her to class. Honey attends the Wardhaugh Academy of Dance in Poolstock. Usually we do not venture over to that side of town but Janet Wardhaugh really is excellent, and she is accredited to teach the RAD syllabus. That is the Royal Academy of Dance for those of you not ITK.
5:30pm- Evening Meal. The Bel Air Hotel and Restaurant, again on Wigan Lane Swinley, has superb French Cuisine. The French onion soup, frogs legs and snails are to die for and the aroma of garlic really makes you feel like you are in Provence. Which of course you are, the English and more sophisticated version anyway. We usually alternate weekends between Bel Air and Papa Luigi’s. If any of you have ever been to Little Italy in New York then I think you will agree when I say a meal in Papa Luigi’s is just like being in the Big Apple. I sometimes refer to Swinley as being “Little Swinley” which is always met with terrific laughter.
8pm- The highlight of our family day is the Alpha Course. After a day of some giving, but mostly taking, it is important to focus oneself on why we are here. Due to our high flying careers we have rather neglected the church, and what better way than an Alpha Course to get the principles of Jesus nailed down. It is nice to see some of our peers in there too. Not that we do it because it is trendy you understand!
10pm- By this juncture in the day Tarquers and Honey are bushed and slope off to bed for a well deserved rest, hopefully with the words of God firmly embossed on their young minds.
10:01pm- Mr Whittle, whom you may recall as being our delightful daughters sports teacher arrives with his wife for one of our dinner parties. We just love having dinner parties at the weekend and with another three couples, whom we regularly alternate the venue arriving shortly afterwards, it always lives up to its usual high standards. I simply adore watching Brigitte getting it banged out of her like it is going out of fashion. The expression on her face is an absolute picture as she resembles some kind of Hellmans mayonnaise catastrophe that has exploded in her hair, on her face and on the small of her back. She is a real trooper my Briggers as well as being a damn good Mother to our wonderful children. I myself enjoy a spot of playful indulgence, although I draw the line at anal, as after the last dinner party my ringpiece ending up like a fresh bullet wound. I literally could not sit down to chair the last MD meeting the following week. Watersports and scat are also a definite no due to Pemberton “Fat Bird” Flu and the lack of strict border controls at the junction at TESCO.
1am – Everyone goes home rather contented. Brigitte and I have a cup of hot choccy made with goats milk and gluten free biscuits before bed. So there you have it, a typical weekend day in the life of me Dominic Oldman and my family. It could be any family in the Swinley area as we all have such spectacular lifestyles. WN1 Suburbia
Yah!! WN5 Nah!!
Dominic Oldman
Mudhutter No6 June 2006
